08. JERK - What a JERK!
Sometimes, our heroes are what we imagine to be the most upstanding, courageous, and kind people in society. These are people with the strength and determination to do what's right, no matter the cost.
Other times, our heroes are, well, jerks.
This is the story of JERK. If you found yourself wondering, "What would happen if Crono was the exact opposite of who he is?", here you go.
Essentially this is a second run to show off all the choices I didn't make, which will generally be jerkish because, well, this is JERK.
Anyway JERK is going to visit his dumb friend Nerdo because he has no job and thus has nothing better to do.
JERK doesn't give a darn and snags the pendant for profit.
He then notices that the girl's actually pretty cute, so he tries to hit on her.
JERK is hesitant at first, but the pendant looks rather cheap and if he plays nice he might get some action.
Also in this iteration the princess is dumb enough to use her real name, so JERK realizes she's royalty. If he knocks her up, he could be a prince!
JERK has no time for stupid kiddie crap.
JERK then realizes he's hungry.
The princess doesn't really give a crap that he stole someone's lunch. She must have a thing for bad boys.
JERK finds a potential buyer for that shabby old pendant, but the lady ain't sellin'.
Er, sorry, but I can't buy that! It's...far too special! Keep it safe!
And of course the buyer immediately backs down afterward.
JERK doesn't have time for this garbage. He wants to get this over with so he can get back to chugging [s]soda[/s] BEER THAT'S RIGHT FART THE CENSORS
Of course she causes a whole ruckus and draws attention, but JERK's used to nasty looks by the general populace.
Nerdo is kinda the angel on JERK's shoulder, in that she pretty much has a gun trained on him in order to coerce him into occasionally doing the right thing.
For example, if left up to his own devices, JERK would be content leaving that woman to suffer in the infinite stretches of time and space to go get drunk and play with his sword.
Instead stupid Nerdo made him go back in time. What a waste of a good afternoon!
Also I'm using New Game + on some hacked file to fly through this content.
While Crono was content to let these monsters play, JERK is in a bad mood now and takes out his frustrations on these poor creatures. What a jerk!
Anyway he finds the dumb princess but the idiot has to go and get herself erased from existence due to her presence changing history. What a moron!
Also JERK likes to brag about all the ladies he's banged so people might respect him more (they won't).
No nards, Nerdo.
Anyway we gotta find the dumb queen to get the dumb princess back so Nerdo will get off our back.
Also some stupid frog thing wants to join, and even though Nerdo hates it she still wants it to follow us. Whatever, man.
Anyway we rescue the dumb queen and also some stupid beard guy.
Actually he did know, JERK may be rude, but he's not dumb.
Better words have never been spoken.
JERK may have pre-gamed the trip back to Nadia's pad a bit too much and ends up getting arrested for disorderly conduct.
And they threw this total BS "abduction" charge, like how can you even "abduct" a person, she got lost in the fabric of time, I mean come on.
Anyway, yeah, it was definitely her fault this whole idiocy happened.
Oh, so because the game won't trigger the "bumping into each other" cutscene unless JERK actively moves into Nadia, suddenly it's JERK's fault? He didn't even want to go to the dumb teleport thingy in the first place!
You ignored me!
Oh you poor dear! Thank you.
Let's be fair, here. JERK ignores everyone.
Yet we're going to get more of it. Oh, are we going to get more of it.
JERK, stealing? Why, never!
I didn't see your name written on it, old man. Why wouldn't JERK just assume someone made him a lunch and left it at that exact spot?
You say he's helpless, but I'm sure if JERK started stabbing him he'd try to fight back! Trust me, it's happened before.
Dear me! I'm so nervous!
Hey, JERK's gotta make sure the pendant didn't get any scratches or nothin'!
Excuse me, but have you heard of the legal term "Finders Keepers"?
Hey, if he's willing to pay more than it's worth, JERK's actually doing the princess a favor. You know, after he takes his finder's fee...
I heard it clearly. I heard her cry out with my own ears!
What, you wanted JERK to grab her somewhere else? How else do you expect him to tell someone to hurry up?
Is this over? Good, JERK's done with this waste of time and is going to go back home and...
OH THIS IS TOTAL BULLCRAP
What did JERK do to deserve this?
Even the princess has to rub it in.
Perhaps JERK really does deserve this. He thinks of no one but himself, he actively worsens the lives of those around him, and the world honestly may be a better place if he weren't around.
Maybe this time alone will give JERK some perspective. Maybe he'll see the error of his ways and learn to be a good person.
Open it up!
That's what you get for misbehaving.
Nah. JERK's a jerk. He's simply gonna break out of prison instead.
Only a few people would willingly let an innocent man die in prison for whatever twisted reason.
And then there's JERK.
Gee, it looks like you didn't need my help, after all!
Who the hell knows why Nerdo decided to risk her life to save JERK. Maybe she has a thing for bad boys. Or maybe, as an outsider she has a certain level of respect for someone who does whatever he wants, damn the consequences, and refuses to let the justice system fail on an innocent man, even someone as hateful and deserving of prison as JERK.
Nah, gotta be the bad boy thing.
Or maybe she's also just as messed up in the head as JERK. I dunno, it'd explain a lot.
JERK has no regard for government property! I mean, what else is new.
And obviously you should never let someone like JERK walk all over you, you're just asking for trouble then.
Nothing gets the ladies lookin' more than a fugitive from the law.
Where we going next? Who cares?
That's JERK for ya!
- Category: Chrono Trigger